Contracted Adversity : A Journey To The Sweet

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It is said that each of us incarnates into this life with a set of pre-determined Soul Contracts.  The notion holds that each of these Contracts materializes in divine timing, showing up in the form of predestined people, events, relationships and circumstances, all designed to provide us the opportunity to move closer to the fullest expression of Soul in this earthly existence.  I can wholeheartedly attest to this spiritual concept and unequivocally subscribe to it because it has been my lived experience.

For me, these contractual challenges proved to be radically catalytic and in hindsight pretty much served as a figurative baseball bat, whacking me around, telling me in no uncertain terms “wake up Margot, this is not where you should be, this timeline is dying!”.  The tests presented in quick-fire succession over a relatively compressed timeframe of just six years, triggering extensive restructuring of every aspect of the person that I used to be – every element of my psycho-spiritual Self – and culminated in the collapse of my old third dimensional life with all its distorted priorities, illusion, veils of deception, clutter of unconscious habits and worship of the material.  When I say collapse I really mean that the stuff I had once prioritized no longer had any importance or relevance in my day-to-day life and the tiny nuggets of joy I was adept at finding, say in my working day and which would sustain me through that day had become patently inadequate.  The false congruence and flimsy conditions that I had unconsciously put in place to enable me to continue in a job and a life that was now no longer appropriate swiftly disintegrated.  No longer could I tolerate a workplace, or any environment for that matter, that had been pervaded by fear-based manipulation, power-plays, self-interest and drama.  I found it distasteful and distressing having to be and interact within these dense energies of the old 3D paradigm.  I craved a working life and interactions that were based in integrity and openness and gentleness and decency, and so when the opportunity came to exit via Voluntary Redundancy I leapt and never looked back.  The collapse of that old life gave me the clear air I needed and allowed me to escape the toxic and limiting preconceptions and projections of others including those of my own family.  Finally I was free.

So, what were those tests?  For me, those slated challenges played out in relationship breakdowns, losses and betrayal.  Yep, there it is.  Betrayal.  Awful word.  You know, I actually feel uncomfortable using that word today because it`s so heavily-loaded with dense emotion, trauma energy and judgment.  In truth, I have moved on so far from all of that experience that it`s impossible for me today to access the vastness and the intensity of the emotion I felt at the time.  I`m just not able to get anywhere near the ballpark in terms of that old drama and what it felt like back then.  Instead, these days I tend to inhabit, for the most part a relatively neutral, heart-centred, peaceful space and that has become my default setting but it took considerable, cathartic work on myself to get there.  This is not to say that challenges don`t arise, just that the emotion nowadays is no longer formidable and wrecking, just diminished and distant and contained.  There`s no inane drama or vexation.  It might sound a bit pedestrian but the predominant feeling for me these days is one of simple joy and gratitude.  I feel very blessed to have experienced those trials because they gave me so much and I`m pleased because – and as some past-life work revealed – there was substantial, heavy karma hanging around those old relationships that needed resolving and clearing, certainly on my side of the ledger anyway.  I needed to learn not to trust quite so readily and I needed to learn how to hold loving boundaries.

What I do still hold from that dark night of the Soul is one persistent and clear memory :  I remember having the palpable feeling that the Universe had me in her palm – that I was cupped and cradled and supported – and I remember this feeling permeating my whole Being.  Before the darkness I`d never felt this.  It was both revelatory and supremely comforting because it reassured me that there was some higher intelligence at play in all this and I would just need to be patient.  I realised later that this beautiful feeling had been engendered by the energy of the crystals that I had begun working and meditating with.  Thankfully I still held a sliver of hope and the courage to love and to keep loving.  Hope and love were what got me out of bed in the morning ; hope and love kept me going.

The restructuring – call it purification – of the person I used to be was in essence a process of Soul retrieval that was both all-encompassing and profound, and was facilitated through intensive and extensive psycho-spiritual Healing.  At the time I didn`t​ hesitate or question the need to be undertaking a Healing journey, rather I trusted and had faith that this path was absolutely right and what I needed to be doing ;  I held the certainty that the manifestations of old and repeating Timelines needed to be dropped once and for all.

This process of enquiry and examination of Self shone a light into the recesses of my subconscious and what I discovered was huge.  The person that was me back then had a fair chunk missing and it was all down to a centuries-old twinning with my mother – we had been twin sisters in a very distant past-life.  Essentially I had very little self-worth this time around and worse, I really didn`t know how to be myself and the manifestations of all this were plain to see :  the disease to please, feeling the need to climb above the judgment of other women, the inability to withstand criticism and feeling savagely attacked by even the gentlest of critical evaluations, feelings of inadequacy, defensiveness and on it went.  I may`ve landed a coveted, public service job but there was a great deal about the person I used to be that just did not sit comfortably.  And it made sense that I was attracting men who themselves were intrinsically un-whole because on some subconscious level they recognized their own incompleteness in me.  They saw no real value in me because I didn`t value myself.  It was all becoming clear.

What I discovered about past-life work is that it`s less about identity and who you were in those past-lives and more about the events, relationships and challenges that impacted on your experience.  Most valuable were the revelations and the insights gleaned from peeping through that window :  illumination, understanding and crystal clear perception were the true Healing gifts of this work.  I was like “now I get it.  It all makes perfect sense” after each of these past-life sessions.  They were like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and I was hearing each one click firmly into its place.  The past-life work explained much of my defensive conditioning, character traits, life choices, beliefs and experiences in this incarnation.

(note :  our Chakra system is continuously referencing and directing subconscious information that we carry forward from previous incarnations).  Our choices and lived experience in this incarnation are contextual to all that came before it.  Accessing just some of my past-lives was truly invaluable because it shifted my perception enormously but most significantly it ushered in forgiveness and compassion for those who did the wounding because finally I understood their motivations.  Once again I was free.

Those tests and the ensuing journey of awakening brought me home in every sense of the word.  This evolution of consciousness delivered me into a nourishing, self-sustaining, creational and deeply connected state of Being, and one that is aligned with my Truth and my Highest path in this earthly existence.  Absolutely nothing is random.  Enduring the crap and the awfulness was worth it in the end.

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